Off work on the sick

I have been off work sick for just over a week now. The ugly, black monster that is depression, self-harm, suicidal thoughts and general don't care lethargy has washed over me again. It's a shame really because I was rather being to enjoy my new job at the new hospital.

Work have been great about it though. They've been really understanding and my consultant has told me not to come back until I feel ready to work, not when I think I should come back. I still feel guilty though, I should be out there helping people, not wallowing in my own self-pity like some emo-esque teenager.

My new GP is an absolute love too. I am back on the anti-depressants, back on the mood stabiliser, back on the sleeping tablets, back on all the tablets I stopped taking many years ago in the great belief that I was absolutely fine and didn't need pharmacological intervention. Now I am wishing that pharmacology worked faster on the body.

I am holed up in my little room, crying, listening to maudling music and planning ways to escape my life for a few hours. I wouldn't say I was actively suicidal, not like sometimes, but I am thinking about it strongly. It's a thought that is always in my head and pops up at the most inconvenient of times. I have been cutting myself again, quite badly, and it's only because I am an A&E doctor that I haven't had to get treatment for it.

My GP is worried about me, my parents are worried about me, work is worried about me. In fact the only person who doesn't seem to be worried about me, is me, and that's only because I haven't got the energy to think anymore.